I don’t have kids. It’s not that I don’t like them. I don’t get people who claim not to like kids. Kids aren’t something you can like or dislike, like lima beans or Bon Jovi. Lima beans will always be lima beans. But kids are only temporarily kids. If you don’t like them, it really means you don’t like people who won’t be quiet and leave you alone. Which is perfectly fine and understandable, but in that case the real truth is that you’re grouchy and irritable, and don’t like to be bothered.
Why no kids for me yet? I’ve been lucky, I guess. I didn’t always take the precautions necessary to guarantee I wouldn’t have them. I think I’m prepared for kids now, but I still don’t have any. There are some civil formalities my mating partner and I feel we should see through before actively pursuing our own brood. But we’re pretty sure that once we get that business hashed out, we’re going to try to produce at least one person of our own.
But then again, I waffle. I know people who have kids, and I see them struggle mightily (or, worse, not struggle at all) to make them behave as I see fit. Of course, as a non-parent, I’m not qualified to share my opinion on the dos and don’ts of child-rearing. But I have to admit that when in the presence of these families I often find myself thinking, “I could parent that kid way better than that.”
Of course, I’m probably wrong. That’s why, even though my partner in two-backed-beast-making and I have in the past year enthusiastically discussed how cool it would be to procreate, I’m still just not sold on the idea.
There might be hope, though. Tonight, while watching one of my favorite cable news shows, I saw a commercial for a program that promises to make parenting easy.
Does your kid talk back? This program will solve it, “no matter how nasty your child gets.” Is your child prone to public outbursts? The program promises a “surefire” way to fix that. Is arguing with the ‘rents your kid’s favorite pastime? This will nip that in the bud, “even if your teenage son is 6’2″ and you’re 5’4″.”
I’m taller than 5’4″, but not by a whole heck of a lot. It’s nice to know if I have a kid who gets big enough to beat me up in a fistfight, a program exists that will help me avoid that.
If you’ve seen the commercials, you know I’m talking about The Total Transformation Program. It was created by James Lehman, a formerly defiant, drug-abusing teenager himself. He knows what he’s talking about, because he’s been there.
A little web research on the program reveals almost exclusively glowing reviews by satisfied parents. Knowing that such a failsafe plan to whip my problem child (should I have one) into shape is pretty comforting. Now I guess I just need some bow-chicka-bow-booooow music to get this party started.